For most of my life, I flew.
Swept up in ideas, theories, life printed in pages and the righteousness we only find in the hindsight of history. I caught the tail-feathers of these ideas as they passed, flying over my head, me grasping them in small reference - the closure, the understanding gained in my own experiences and the correlations of these to the bigger ideas I loved.
It's easy to glide on the wings of others knowledge. You see the world from a vantage point, that of observer, watcher, listener. Rarely do you see it as doer. After all, philosophy was 'thinking not doing'.
Yet, the inertia + anger, that forces things to happen. Like Newton you watch apples fall, calling you back to gravity. It's force. Eventually you have to apply your knowledge. You have to fight. You want to dip back into the 'observable' universe - you don't want to worry whether Shroedinger's cat is alive or dead. You just want to open the box and either feed it, or bury it. You want to believe yourself when you say, 'thinking about the world around, the outside world, is more interesting than the interpersonal world.'
Because you know that when you think too much about the interpersonal, when you examine too closely the only reality at your feet, you know it becomes too multi-faceted, hydra-like. There is too much influence, saying rather than doing. It's impossible to know, until you do.
And too easy to pluck at silver threads of fantasy, to mould them into memory.
It's too easy to think things are fine, though it only lasts a moment - so you keep the moment going, not wanting to break the mould. Addicted. But that's no way to live. For a long time anxiety and depression made me feel like it was all I could do, but that's not true - that's fear.
When we set out in life we don't realise how much of a struggle it will be to make the reality we want, the life we want to communicate, our reality, the person we want to be, the 'I' or Eudaemonic god-head leading us, congruent within every level of our being and to ripple through in our physical selves - so that we cannot be placed in a box, or 'othered' or treated as anything less than human, so that we are known for who we are and not what others believe, or what they like, or can mould us into - that there, that is the deeper fight. To prove that who we are is what we do. Nothing more, nothing less.
If we can't follow through with what we believe, what we think, the story we tell ourselves, what's the point of even telling it to ourselves? If it leaves too much even to our own imagination, what's the point?
We struggle every day, constantly, within ourselves to represent the truth we believe, within our friendships, for these to correlate understanding with the truth we believe, within our relationships for these to also represent that righteousness, that truth.
It amazes me that there are so many deeper levels to the self, the 'I', the driving force.
To the knowing, the deep fight.
Now I'm learning that fight, and it amazes how much strength it can take not to slip and slide, and slide, and slide.
Not to let things go.
Because they build.
Until we've built empires of glass within our heads, homes entirely made of flesh and bone, carved holes in the people we love to fit circles into squares, and hurt the simplicity of truth, love and magnanimity in the process.
Til we've hurt our own souls. Our own 'I', and our own knowing.
Because who we are is not defined by what we think, or even say, but what we do and what we prove. Every choice we make defines us as a person. It reflects in our being.
Every single day of our lives we stand at a liminal space, a crossroads weighed out with millions of options, a 'choose your own adventure' - it's a choice. Nothing more, nothing less. A vacillation between two modes of operation.
To do, or to think. I spent a long time thinking, fearing, all it did to me was ruin the parts of myself I'd fought so hard to remember.
Fear of fear, so far I'm finding is better than fear of everything.
If you feel insecure, if you feel like something's missing or out of place, or guilty or just off in general, you really do have to fight, in the physical world, take action, make things happen, say and do things, in order to correct your reality - even if it means giving up comfort, or changing so much you cut yourself away from other things, or making the effort to go through with something you know will be hard. You can't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop, not participating in your own life because it's not working for you any more.
It's not worth the life it will suck out of you, the life being what you could have had, been, done, or said.