Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Creating the Self.

I was just reading this post, on the benefits of keeping a diary, over on the brainpickings website, and the main point that struck me was the journal being used as a tool to build a bridge between our present and future selves.

As a teenager I failed miserably at keeping journals, I never knew what to write and would try to follow some ridiculous formula. Then I started keeping one about two and a half years ago, and suddenly the art of journaling erupted as something intrinsic to my being.

In two and a half years I have filled six and a half notebooks with all sorts of notes. I have also written about 250 blog posts here, and several over on my Tumblr page. A few months ago I started going back through my old journals and some of the things I found astonished me.

They have been filled with observations regarding every part of my life, past and present, and everything I have learned from between the pages of dead philosopher's thoughts, teachers and friends, from my family and from other content creators, and humans generally as equally fascinated by this phenomena of being as I am. These pages are filled with what I believe is knowledge intrinsic to myself and the idea of who I am/want to be, and who I have always been and can be when insecurity, depression and/or anxiety doesn't get in the way. When I don't feel over-influenced away from myself.

Caitlin Worthington.

Often when it comes to living my truth, when I am surrounded by other personalities just as strong as mine when I am in my element, I begin to confuse myself with the selves of others and place myself in a box, a liminal space, so that I don't take up the space I should. I don't think this is an issue exclusive to women, but I do believe that - because of our current understanding and newfound inclusion in the world's larger dialogue - many young women are coming to this realisation faster than others - that being that we do place ourselves in boxes, despite the work of history that proves to us we have value - despite the work of our lives that proves to us we have value.

Virginia Woolf called it, 'the angel in the house' and told us to kill that part of our self, the part that asks us to make ourselves smaller - to not live our truth, and belief, and inherent unconscious knowledge, to not take up space. It's so easy and comfortable to slip into and amongst, and add to, the structure of something already built. But the comfort zone is a dangerous place to be, when you are building the person you will become. It is again, fight vs flight.

I once wrote, 'negative space is where things can happen', this is true - negative space leaves room for creation, but I have already a sense of self within myself that is (and in the past has been obviously and physically) uncompromising in that I know, and have always known what it is I want, who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there, what is right for me and what is wrong.

The last lucid dream I had was one where I forced open a door, and behind the door I saw myself with a blanket pulled up over my face, hair and clothing visible, a man curled up beside me on a mattress, the room was green-lit. I told a friend about it and he said something along the lines of, maybe forcing that door open in that realm, in that space, gave a million different versions of you across the multi-verse the strength to do something, stop pulling the wool over your eyes, start living your truth - build the bridge between your present and future Self.