Monday, November 3, 2014

The Inkling of Knowing Who You Want to Be:




"Reduce duality between person and object, see things less as a person and more as a whole experience of being a person. Be above your own filter, use the heart-mind, the soul-mind, the ecstatic part of you which appears laughingly and without judgement to experience the world around you."

This was what I read aloud to a group of my closest friends while we overlooked Melbourne, drunk on cheap wine in a $600 hotel room one night.

I didn't really understand it when I wrote it, and as one of my friends said after I read it: 'My mind can't even comprehend this right now.'













Still, there was a general consensus in the room that we all sort of 'knew' the idea, we'd all kind of felt it and not been able to put it into words. However, here and now, when I've just arrived from from stomping in the dust after a bush-doof (more on that later) I feel like I get it.

It's the inkling, the leading knowledge, which eggs you on and reminds you of the person you want to be.

It's logic, and the personal set of ethics which tells you about right versus wrong, it's built on your past and is leading toward your future.

I view it as a kind of Bodhisattva-like being which had been drawn to the particular story I wanted to tell and live, and had fixated itself into my being like a guide. It is perhaps closest to something like I was as a child, free and uninhibited, kind and not shy. Not tainted by everyday thoughts, anxieties and criticisms (and boy am I critical). This mindset, this vision and 'thing', this entity and guide is an emphatic being.

When I say 'guide' I don't necessarily mean 'spirit-guide' though I think that's a perfectly acceptable language, I just want to be clear in my intention and assure the reader that I mean 'guide' like 'map', or 'teacher'.

I feel like this non-critical and fully open but incredibly analytic idea of who I want to be is always there for me to ask (not to ask, with judgmental turn of phrase) 'am I still on the right track?' Because let's face it, with this 'inkling' this little bit of an idea I have been granted to go on, I'll know and I'll be able to answer it myself, yes or no.

Either, 'you're fine' or 'pick your game up and stop kidding yourself.'

In a way I feel like this vision/analogy makes sense, because the Bodhisattva was any being which achieved enlightenment, but chose to return to Earth to help others, but I haven't quite managed to get the idea to 'gel' yet in my mind and form a cohesive idea around it. However, I think that it's an extremely positive force, and part of a self-fulfilling prophecy that I myself initiated in being determined not to fall off the path I've chosen for myself, no matter what.

I don't think it's 'special' in the sense that it makes me a special snowflake to have recognised this unfiltered version of 'my story' (that's the best analogy I have so far for the future person I want to be, and how I will have reached that point, or continue to strive toward it) but I do think that my 'unfiltered self' is a rather special thing, and something important to discover.

It's like it's the highest point of my most positive affirmations of my life. It's what I can be when I'm at my best, but it is something that is so often buffeted away by fear, depression, anxiety and instant gratification, and the general hubbub and distraction of thousands of years worth of societal dictum and hierarchy.

Xo,

Ellen