Monday, September 15, 2014

An Exercise in Calm Thinking and Removing Attachments:

If I'm walking through a crowd, I'm walking down a road. There's some kind of landscape around me; blue sky (bright, bright blue), red earth, a few crooked and dying white trees. I'm barefoot. Probably dirty. I'm a traveler after all, right? My path is a dirt road. Around me there are other people, but their bodies, their paths, are ghostly. They are trails, see-through bodies. I can dip my hands into their paths. I can walk with my hands open and outstretched, thinking. I can make friends with the experience of a person, but I know they will not remain in my life forever. Those are the people I like best, in a way, the ones I get a taste of and then who disappear - I know they've left to travel their own paths. To head to their goals. They have the pyramids of Gaza in their line of sight, and the horizon at their backs. A bigger goal than the crowd around them.

We all make homes out of flesh and bone, but it's really only ours that matters. Our flesh, our bones, the vehicle getting us to our goal, through the life we can have the most impact in.

The world is much bigger than you or I, as are the ideas inhabiting it. Impact is not something which will occur in an immediate circle of friends, impact is not something which is left when you win tiny, infinitesimal goals that only benefit the self and the preoccupations of the self.

There's no need for you to drive the truck that's also hitting you. Your twenty-fifth birthday already has a lightning strike written all over it, nuclear war is a very real possibility. It's more important to do proper things, assign yourself an ultimate goal, be yourself and by yourself and working toward something that will not hinder or rely on others. Destroy attachment, it's useless and people change. They have to.

 Impact is something which happens when you tread determinedly toward your goal.

Let your hands dip in and out of the lives of others. Don't get caught up in their idea, their life. That's their issue, they have to take care of themselves, they have to figure their own life out.

You walk. Keep your back straight, your eyes on the pyramids. Make your goal your happy place.

It would be wrong to give up your whole path for the purpose of another's. Help them yes, but do not let them hinder your path. That is not balance. That is an imbalanced power position. That is when a person is too attached to you, that they want you to become their grounding, their home. 

Is it not healthier to be friends with the experience of a person, rather than maintain a relationship? In relationships and friendships susceptible to these imbalances of power and control are we not asking people to rebuild themselves in the same way every day, when really they should be free to choose?

We should be free to choose which part of ourselves we want to be every day. We should be free to choose what will help us and others, help us toward our ultimate goals and continuously keep the pyramids of Gaza in our line of sight. We should be free to step forward easily, toward that goal, rather than feel as though we have a responsibility to help another person. That person MUST learn to stand alone. They must not grip onto another. It's unhealthy for both parties.

This idea doesn't even need to be taken as an idea to take into relationships, friendships also suffer this. Who hasn't seen the competition between two friends and thought it quite strange and a little gross? If you can't offer a person freedom from yourself, what can you offer them? Constant attachment? Nobody wants that bullshit. Or at least, nobody in a stable mindset, with their shit sorted would. A person in a stable mindset is busily walking their own path, shining, basically beaming, handing out the freedom to be yourself like golden fruits, crafted from their own laborious process of becoming.

It's so much nicer to live for yourself. And why not? You're connected to people, but you're also a singular being with a purpose, something you care about that distracts you from drama, from fear. Don't let go of that. That's the only thing I want to be attached to: The effort of living well.

Xo, Ellen